“An unfinished painting can sometimes be more beautiful than a finished one”. These words were said by a friend in response to another friend’s lamentations that the painting she loved and bought when it was only half done feels very mediocre as a finished product. We recently lost a close family friend to suicide, a young child, only 15 years of age. As the shock and grief continue, it made me think, could an unfinished life ever be considered more beautiful than a finished one?
To begin with, we must ask ourselves, what is a finished life? What does that look like? Is it age related? You get to the age of say 70+ and you can be considered to have lived a full life regardless of how you have lived? What if you are a person who couldn’t have common human experiences such as marriage, children, grandchildren? Is your life still considered complete? What if you chose not to have any of these experiences, and instead chose to spend your life as a monk perhaps, living in isolation, focused on inner growth? When would this person’s life be considered complete?
What if you were career focused to the exclusion of everything else? Would your life be considered finished when you reached the zenith of your chosen profession? What if you were lucky enough to be independently wealthy, and drifted through life, not contributing much to society? Would that be a finished life if such a person lived to be 90? 40? 25?
What if you committed a heinous crime and spent most of your life behind bars? Such a person surely cannot be considered to have a finished life, no matter how long they lived! So age alone cannot be a barometer of a full life.
Is it the way you lived then? This brings to mind an oft repeated saying, it’s not the years in our lives but the life in our years that matter. What does that really mean though? To someone it might mean world travel, experiencing the variety of humans and landscapes this planet has to offer. To others it might mean taking on every kind of adventure they can. Some consider service to society as living life fully. None of these have number of years spent as a criterion of fulfilment.
The child we lost lived vibrantly in their short life. If his life had to be summed up in one word, that word would be kindness. We heard so many stories at his memorial service about the small acts of kindness he showed to people around him. Small acts for him such as greeting a shy child, sitting with someone who looked lonely, sharing a few laughs were actually gigantic acts of kindness for the recipients. Kids came up and talked about how they looked forward to that one interaction during their day, how it made the difficult transition to a new school a little easier, how it helped a child with social anxiety reach out and make friends with a few people. One teacher gratefully recalled the few moments that our friend spent with her special needs child every afternoon in the library. These moments made all the difference in their lives. Her child went from not wanting to be at school to looking forward to waiting for his mom in the library only because of our dear friend.
One young girl recalled the day they met at a debate contest. There was no room to sit and our friend walked up to her and asked to sit on her lap. She was so taken aback at the sheer audacity and yet innocence of this request that she said yes, and they became great friends. She will carry this memory throughout her life – an edict to be spontaneous, kind, and joyful.
All the joy this soul spread and yet there was a dark place within him that could not be reached. The weight of his troubled life perhaps became too much for him to bear. How could a person who saw so clearly how to help and heal people be unable to reach out for that same healing for himself? Or could it be that perhaps this soul felt fulfilled in their short life? It’s certainly more comforting to think that the life he lived felt complete to him, the soul’s agenda satisfied.
And yet, our minds rebel at that thought. No, a life cannot be considered finished at age 15, with so much still left to be experienced. We comfort ourselves with the thought that the soul is now at peace. Continuing this existence would have been painful. Consider this a cancer of the mind, just as real, just as painful, just as fatal as terminal cancer can be. Could this short life then be a finished one?
As with all philosophical questions, there isn’t any one right answer. To most of us life at 15 could never be considered finished, no matter the circumstance. To some, a life at 80 isn’t complete, they still have more they would like to live for.
At the end of the day, a finished life, like most things, is a matter of perspective, which are as varied as there are people. The lives this child impacted will carry that light, joy, and kindness with them wherever they go. This one small child with his giant heart has made the world a happier place and his light will shine on. In the words of Dr. Seuss “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”.
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